I have an intense infectious smile and, I will venture to say, personality. I know it is over the top sometimes. I know that I am outspoken and a bit over powering at home, at work, with friends, with family, at the grocery store, at a restaurant, with the waiter…get it? You are not special…I am this way with everyone. I don’t go out of my way to think of ways to form an opinion worth sharing. I think all of my opinions are worth sharing and sometimes I actually share all of them…most times I don’t though, because I have learned that not everyone is capable of the maturity necessary to hear and respect another’s point of view without the need to share that same point of view.
I am who I am. I make no apologies for it. Well, actually sometimes I do and when I do, they are only half hearted apologies meant to make the meek feel a bit more self-assured…if that is even possible.
Don’t be mistaken, when I apologize, and I do apologize, I mean it. I mean it. I mean that I did not intend to hurt your feelings even though I fully meant what I said. I mean that I don’t like to see you in pain and if I am the one to have caused that pain then I am truly sorry. Though, I must admit that I wish you weren’t so damn sensitive and didn’t get hurt so easily. Nonetheless, if I hurt you, I almost am always sorry for the pain that was a direct result of me. I may think you deserve it and I probably wouldn’t mind too much if someone else caused you discomfort but, I don’t like the guilt of “knowing better”…I don’t like feeling as if my mother would be disappointed, or my grandmother, because they raised me better than whatever. Anyway, my point is that I may apologize for many a thing but, I will not apologize for being me.
I am who I am and I smile and speak to everyone. I laugh. I play. I enjoy. Of course, that is until you cause enough disdain that I am no longer interested in sharing my ever shining bright light with you. I would rather smile…who wouldn’t? But, there are moments when, in my selfishness, I don’t want to share that part of me that makes you feel warm and welcome. If you take offense to my magnanimous/overbearing/opinionated/self-assured Kai-ness. If you can’t handle all of that which makes me the person that you admire/respect, then don’t expect that smile of mine to be there for you. And when it is not, don’t be mistaken to think that I am not happy.
My energy/my straightforwardness/my smile and infectious personality has caused you to become unnerved so I step it back a notch, because I have to acquiesce to your comfort and then you think I am not happy. Quite the contrary. I am happy. I am happy because I am in love with myself, I am in love with my kids, I am in love with life…no matter how bored I may get sometimes, I am in love with all that is and all that is possible. I am happy but, when I am around you, I don’t smile because I just don’t want to share my happiness with you.
Stop feeding off of mine and find your own.