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Last year I had the brilliant idea that I would write down the list of ingredients that I need every Thanksgiving for the typical things that I prepare.  That way, I would not have to wreck my brain trying to remember everything that I put in the dressing or sweet potato pie or waldorf salad that I only make, at most, twice a year.  Well, I can’t find that list.

As I went from the kitchen, upstairs to my room and back to the kitchen trying to figure out where I put that darn list, I came across a very different “list” on a pad of paper waiting to be put in the recycle, a by-product of my brilliant idea, two weeks ago, to clean out clutter.

Here is that list:

1. How long do you drive down a dead-end street before you realize it’s a DEAD END?  And why act surprised?

2. How many times do I have to say no before you get that the answer really is no?

3. How many times can you disappoint me before I get that you are a disappointment?

4. Who do you blame when it’s just you in the room?

5. If your mistakes are my fault then, my mistakes must be your fault.  So, then, your mistakes actually belong to you.

6. If your mistakes are my fault then you are my mistake.

7. How many times do I have to hit my head before I put on a helmet?

8. Don’t define respect….DEMONSTRATE it.

I was truly on a roll and must have been really angry/hurt when pen was put to paper clearly to walk me through the irrationality of that current moment and the embracing of the reality that letting go was the most logical, self-preserving thing that I could do.

This list is not dated.  It is as if recording the moment was not necessary because the end of the moment was not close enough to fathom that there would be a time when I looked back at the crazy with a clear mind and an ability to know instantly the insanity of that moment.

Before writing this post, I thought, “people are going to think this to be a lot of negativity at Thanksgiving.”  But, the truth is that this is exactly what is appropriate for the season.  Aren’t we supposed to take some time to think about those things that we are most thankful for?  Well, at this moment, other than my kids and family (the cliché thanks) I can’t think of anything I am more thankful for than to be out of a state of mind where my spirit is burdened and my energy is wasted with me in a space of obvious discontent.

At this moment, I give thanks for being delivered mentally and emotionally from the strain of the undated moment.  I am thankful that the list producing moment is so far in my past that I didn’t remember having made the list and even though I believe I know the cause of the distress, I am no longer distressed.  I can breathe.  And the air is so fresh.

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