It’s not that I am not able to apologize, it is that I have a hard time apologizing for something that I did on purpose. It is not that I enjoy causing pain, discomfort or discord in my relationships. It is that, at times, I am okay with a little retaliatory vindication. I am not the only one. I am just the one that will admit it in public.
I am not a coldhearted individual with no regard for others. In fact, I have the highest regard such that I bite my tongue until it bleeds rivers, holding back in order not to inflict the irreversible pain of truth spoken.
I hold back because I know that what I am holding is the burden of your truth. It is what you have thought about, felt and doubted about yourself. It is the burden that I have lifted from you with my support, encouragement, and praise. Yet there comes a time, when I get so tired of carrying your burden that I explode and unleash days, months, years of truth that cut deeper than anything you can conjure in your fits of frustration.
It hurts like hell because you have felt it before
It is your truth
A truth that you have tried to avoid
And am I sorry for reminding you of your pain?
My mother says that the burden of responsibility is on the stronger one…on the one that holds the truth. I am not hurt by your accusations/rants/mistakes because I know the truth about me. I am not hurt by what you say but, the fact that you say it is the cause of a momentary shift. But, apparently, I am wrong for digging to the depths of your pain and pulling out just what I know will shut you up for more than just a moment and keep you up even past the calming of the storm.
I say. Both are wrong. And although the vindication feels good for the moment, verbal abuses are not cured with even the most heartfelt apologies. And even though I believe it is the burden of the individual to not “dish what they cannot take”…it is wrong…but, am I sorry. Not yet.
We need to be careful who we fight, what fights we pick, and what weapons we choose.
Sorry has become an excuse to speak without thinking…to act without stopping first to consider the consequences. Sorry is used carelessly. It is thrown around like “good morning.” It is used to end things. After all, what is left to say after the apology?
So, I have been criticized for an assumed inability to apologize. I do apologize when I am wrong. It just happens that I am rarely wrong (kidding). I am capable of true remorse. I simply don’t believe in instant remorse for the sake of satisfaction of the other. I believe in “going to your room and thinking about it.” Afterall, there are life lessons in our childhood.
From my childhood, I bring the need to take some time to think about “what I did”. And your not talking to me is the impetus. It’s the whooping my father would have given me, the standing in the corner or the back turned by my grandmother. Then, I go to my “room” and I process…I reflect.
So…am I sorry. No. But I will be tomorrow.