, , ,

If you are even the slightest bit overweight and you have issue with anyone smaller than you taking issue with their size then you might want to stop reading NOW.  This post is going to piss you off. 

The issue at hand is that my skinny jeans don’t fit. I can get them on and wiggle my way into them sitting exactly where they should but, before I can get out of the bathroom, I feel like all circulation is being cut off between my upper and lower body.  I can’t deny it, they got too small.

Skinny jeans are tricky because they are not cute if you buy them even the slightest bit too big.  You want to make sure that there is a bit of elasticity in the fabric and buy them such that a tiny bit of loosening will make them fit just right.  This is what the salesperson told me with regards to all designer jeans.  They are made to relax to fit your body so, buying them with any give in them will leave you frustrated after a few times of wearing them when they begin to sag in the bum area.  Now, if you are not buying designer jeans, you might not want to apply this same principle.

Anyway, the point is that I have this beautiful pair of skinny jeans that I wear only when I am trying to be extra superfly (they have always been a bit tight and didn’t give like the sales person said) and now they don’t fit.  I bought them before even the thought of having my third child and then, of course, outgrew them in pregnancy and the delayed return to self after pregnancy.  My return to an acceptable degree of old self was marked by the ability to get into my skinny jeans.  A month ago I could still fit them and now I can’t.

I am disgusted with myself.  Forty is supposed to be So Fly.  I worked for the seven months prior to my 40th birthday getting myself into shape so that I could wear my short shorts and be proud.  I chose a trip to Vegas over any other location because scantily clad would be perfectly acceptable for a 40-year-old in Vegas.  My goal was to wear my Brazilian bikini AND look good doing it. 

Now, four months later, I haven’t been to the gym, I am eating all kinds of junk, I had McDonald’s french fries every day last week and then baked 4 deep dish sweet potato pies for Thanksgiving.  There is a problem.  It’s like I had the goal, I reached the goal, now I’m done.

I am not fat by anyone’s measure except my own.  But, let me be clear, my fat is relative to my normal weight not to medical or societal expectations of weight based on height/weight proportions.  By medical standards, I am fine.  By society standards, I am fine.  By my standards, I am not fine.  My body has been the same since high school.  I have had three kids and have always come back to the same frame as high school.  I am not used to carrying so much weight and it feels disgusting.  I am sluggish.  My clothes don’t sit like they are supposed to.  I have cellulite.  My butt is growing as I am typing.  I have only ever been this big when I was on my way to being bigger (pregnancy).

For those of you thinking that you are the only one entitled to have concerns about weight let me share this story.  For years, I had been friends with someone who was always bigger than me.  She always made it a point to remind me of how “skinny” I was, as if it was a compliment.  But, she would say it with such irritation that it clearly did not come out as complimentary.  One day, after having known her for three years, I lashed out.  I was so tired of her issues with me being skinny that I said, “oh my God, you are so fat. It is ridiculous how big you are.  What do you eat to stay that way?…”  We were walking from the bus stop to our apartment and I continued as she walked faster to get away from me…I yelled…as she rounded the corner…I kept it up, louder…until I followed her into the apartment and finally said, “It doesn’t feel so good, does it.”

First of all, I don’t like the word skinny the same that you might not like the word fat.  Second of all, slender people have concerns about their size and body image the same as anyone else.  This is not reserved for overweight people. Thirdly, if it is not okay for me to talk about my body image without you smirking or dismissing the signifance to me, then don’t talk about your body image issues.  Fourth, I will not complain about me in place of doing something about it so, don’t complain about you and then do nothing to address your issues.

I thought twice about writing about this and decided that I would disregard the thoughts of those that get irritated because I am still considered underweight and they have fought weight issues for most of their lives.  But, I am done being ashamed of my natural size, changing the subject when it turns to how small I am after three kids, or being disregarded because my issues aren’t as big as someone else’s issues. 

This blog is my space to be me and I am coming into that more and more with each posting.  So, if this offended you in any way, too bad.  I am not going to worry about that when I have my own crap to deal with: like how to fit the gym back in my schedule so I can get back into my skinny jeans.