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1. If it takes a village to raise a child, why am I the only one footing the bill?

2. Babies come out one at a time for a reason. 

3. When did someone’s marriage become someone else’s business.

4. You don’t have to hit back.

5. Spanish-speaking does not mean illegal and illegal does not mean uneducated.  Immigrant does not equal ignorant.

6. Change is good.

7. What is the use of having cake if you can’t eat it?

8. You may be damned if you do but, you are definitely more damned if you don’t.

9. Get a young dog and teach it all the tricks you want.

10. If you take the top off…for the love of God…put it back on.

11. For all intents and purposes cleaning the refrigerator actually includes the freezer.  They come together, clean them together.

12. Grounded is grounded.  Enough said.

13.  No really is no.  Especially after the third time.

14. If you are full, you don’t need a snack.

15. You cannot be hot and cold at the same time unless you are sick and in that case, you can’t go outside anyway. 

16. Growling is not an appropriate way to greet someone.

17.  Yes, those are my kids.  Yes, I am embarassed.

18.  This is truly what tired looks like. 

19. If I have asked you that question a hundred times already then you should  know the answer.

20. The bathroom is not a conference room.

21. If there are dirty clothes piled in the middle of your floor, your room is not clean.

22. The floor is part of the kitchen.  Sweep it.

23.  Who cares if your socks match.

24. His hair is long, get over it.

25.  You can’t have my number because I am not interested.  Given this lack of interest, I don’t need your number just in case.

26. He is bigger than you. 

27.  The counter is part of the kitchen and is included in your kitchen chore.

28.  You don’t need a shower before you do your chores.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to shower after cleaning the house?

29. If I say I am through with this conversation, then I really am through and you should probably stop talking to me.

30.  If I have asked you to clean your room all week, getting up and doing it on Saturday, before I remind you one more time, does not equate to having done it without me having to tell you to.

31.  Taking something without asking is not borrowing, that is stealing.  So stop stealing my clothes to wear to school.  We do not have that mother/daughter relationship where we wear each other’s clothes.

32. If I haven’t returned your call, most likely I am not interested in talking to you.

33. If I want ice cream, let me eat my damn ice cream without you adding up the calories for me.  I know it’s not good for me.  I know I shouldn’t have the dairy.  I know I have been working out to get in shape which is why I know that this one cup of ice cream is not going to kill me.  And if it is, then let me die in peace.

34.  Chew with your mouth closed.

35.  You can almost bet that I won’t take your side against my kids.

36.  Teach your kids manners by using your manners.  “Excuse me” works every time.

37.  No those pants do not go with that shirt and the belt and the shoes and the bow in your hair but, if you want to wear then WEAR it.

38. Because I said so.

39.  I love being a parent.  I just can’t always stand my kids.

40. If I could afford to not go to work.  I wouldn’t be at work.

41. I unfriended you because you are not my friend.

42.  I will not apologize if I am not sorry.  So, if you heard me say it, then I obviously meant it. Move on already.

43.  I don’t like green eggs and ham because I don’t eat pork.  But, I can eat green eggs and turkey.

44.  Dr. Seuss was brilliant.

45. Don’t preach. Just practice.

46. I support Occupy Wall Street.  This is not Wall Street.  Get a map.

47. I am ok if you don’t agree with me but, just know that your opinion is also just that – an opinion.

48.  Live by the rule of opposites – close what you open, clean what you dirty, pick up what you put down, etc.

49.  If you hear music then dance damnit.

50.  If you don’t hear music, dance anyway.